Seguranca

2004-09-07T21:19:00.000-05:00

Shailah turned 5 today, and i am relapsing. I took what Ammon said into consideration and tried to realize the beginning of it. . .like, the starting point. It was when i went to the Sisterhood meeting, in which i am the secretary, therefore an example, therefore obligated to show up.
I saw Sheilah and her 'eversosweet' sister Gloria. To tell the truth, i don't really like them. I am more fake with them than i have ever been with anyone before. She smiles in my face at school, i grin right back - call me the muthafuckin chesire cat. And then at church, shit yeah, i show up the fuck late. Shit yeah i show up with the phone to my ear. Shit yeah, i am more important that you in this ministry and y'all can't start with out me, so get the fuck over it, you sick ass, ever so sheltered, can't get over a nigga that don't want you and did turn to me in front of your face self. . . . . .

Anyways, so Sheila and Gloria smile ever so sweetly in my face, "Hey Zelena," smile and whisper, snicker and shit when i sit down. Looking my way. It's not like i'm near anyone, too. And then you don't talk to me. The whole fucking time. Go and tell Lean some shit about me, and think that she isn't going to tell me. Not that she used to be my best friend, but we are still close. But that is besides the point. I can't stand stupid people.
And another thing, i can't stand niggas that assume shit about other people, especially when it comes to their own man, and then don't even confront the other female. Until the last fucking minute, when it doesn't even matter. If i was told that my boyfriend was even flirting with someone else, then you know damn well, that i would be up in his face. I know i told her that her nigga was flirting with that ugly ass ho, and i told her that he was messin with all those other chicks, too, but she never did want to listen. You don't give niggas like him the benefit of the doubt . .. and you know whose fault that is? Her momma's. She is a sheltered lik girl. A senior, and not allowed to have a boyfriend or ro even have boys call her house without a little talk with her mother first. She can't do anything without her mother knowing, and he stepfather is worse than anyone that i know, worse than daddy before my momma left.

But, again, that is besides the point. So she doesn't want to talk to me. Perhaps she is phobic of girls who like girls. Do i care? Not really. Do i care that she is two faced? Yes. . . .but i know one thing, i'm going to stop being nice and all that shit; saying hi when i really don't need to. Allowing myself to smile that fake smile . . i hate smiling when i really don't want to. I hate it so much.

And then the next thing that set me off was when Gloria pushed them two little brats in front of me, like they were going to tighten the lugs. When they weren't even going to. They had no place there, and i lost a dose of experience, because when we had to do them on our own, i didn't know what the hell to do. . i couldn't see because them damn chil'ren was there. Ok????

Lost will i always be, i see.

And then the thought of Coach Maachen leaving, for some reason, popped into my head. And i realized that he is one of the best teachers that i have had. I don't remember having a teacher that i can ask a simple mathematical question, and they give me such an answer that i understand, since i have such a complicated thought process. And if he were to go. . ..i would. . .well, shit, i don't know what the hell i would do. It's like being with out Dr. Cooper. It's devastating. Which reminds me, i need to email him.

But i guess that is the beginning of my lapse. . .and then i got hostile when i tried to call Perry . . .cuz i knew that when i heard his voice, i'd be calm, etc, etc. . .>just don't ask<
and then his line was busy. . and i'm like. . . .no, not now. .
And then someone was on his cell, and im like. . .why now. So i bitched about random shit to Rose, and tried not to yell at Shailah, who was acting uppity - i guess she sensed it was her birthday. . . I don't know.

I hate feeling like this, i hate having to be in this state. And i don't know how to make myself immune from these triggers. It's stupid, i know, the things that make me feel this way. The things that make me cry and then i don't know. The things that cause me to mope, that make me remember memories that need to be forgotten. Especially when i don't need to remember them.

Perhaps this is too much of a culture shock for me. I have been to how many places in how many years, with how many diff types of people, and how many situations. How many levels and reasons for stress, and i don't know. I just don't know.
I don't know if i need help. I do need to find my peace, but i do feel lost within my self. I want to curl up and not eat, not sleep, not drink, just die. And then the next day i want to hug everyone in sight, i want to be happy - i am happy. I know who i am .. i knowmy characteristics, but i don't know what i am. . i don't know if im happy, if i'm melancholy. . i can't stay with a single emotion for more than an hour. I really can't . . i've just grown to mask it. It is too easy nowadays to do it. . . .

I think i've done too much rambling. I'm going to go now.

2004-09-06T01:31:00.000-05:00

He used to tell me that i was fat, that i was selfish, that i was this, and that. And i believed him. I never thought that he was all the things that he made me out to be - insecure and utterly imperfect. That i wasn't anything. That i thought too much, that i think stupid things, that i talk too much, that whenever i talk, there is nothing but nonsense coming out. I never thought that i would have to go through something like that, and then be in denial about it. I mean, what the hell? I let this happen to me. Ever so easily.

I hear the name Chasity, and whenever i hear that name, i feel insecure. I see her, and i see all that i am not. I see purity in the best sense that it can be, in this day and age in our generation, i see beauty, i see chastness, i see everything. And all this because i know that Perry used to like her. . .
i know that he loves me. I don't doubt that.

When i was with Denis, it was always him talking about the girls that he used to fuck, and then Dema telling me at parties or whenever he would be around me, that there was a chick that Denis fucked, there was a chick that always asked about him. There was a chick that was screaming his name from the bathroom ever so loudly that everyone could hear. And this is still ingrained in my being. I am still living that pain. I dont want to have to feel this way. And i know that i am relapsing. i dont want to. I am afraid to.

And the fear is nothing that i can help, this feeling of insecurity, and of the pain of a past relationship, and the habits of a past relationship are things that i have to let fade away. But after how long, is all that i want to know. And how to mask it. And how to tell the one that i love that i am in pain, and even so, i don't know really what it is, and why i feel this way.

And that i know that this isn't normal, and that i don't know what the hell is going on in my head at times. I don't try to think because i know that i will cry. And when i cry, i fall further and further into that hole that is being dug for me by the little demons that live in me. The same demons that brought me to iss, and showed me Reva, and then showed me Denis, and then gave me the sex drive to keep him. And make him fall in love with me, and to make me think that i loved him. And now, i know, what with all this contemplation, that i never did love him, i loved his dick . .. . and that is a pitiful thing for me to say, yes, but i dontknow how else to put it. I guess they don't call me a nymph for nothing.

2004-09-03T05:45:00.000-05:00

Jealousy.

My main fault when it comes to relationships. And what can i do about it? Repression. That is what i always end up doing with all of my emotions. With my sexual emotions, with my thoughts, i repress. And when i think about it, it always goes back to Denis, well, not the jealousy thing. I was always jealous.

But there is this girl that Perry did like, and he liked me at the same time, as so he says, and she is ever present everywhere i go. I take a class with her, i see her in the halls, and i see her on the bus. She is omnipresent, and it racks my nerves to see her. I get a severe feeling of discomfort when i know that she is near, and i am off guard, and i don't know how the hell i'm supposed to act with all this.

He apparently doesn't like her enough, or anymore, because he is with me, this is the truth as i know it.
But the other day she asked him, in front of my face, why he never calls.
[Because, little bitch, he is on the phone with his girlfriend]

And then he asked why she never calls him. . . which i would understand that reply.

And then something else was said, i blocked out the conversation, i forget what was said, and then she asked for his number.
[Why the fuck are you going to do that? I wish you would, too.]

And then he said that he didnt know why she asked that, she has his cell phone number.
[Because she is a dumb bitch. While she has sense enough to know that we talk, she is prone to do stupid things]

and that is the end of my dialogue with her, under my breath, where she couldn't hear. Because Zelena doesn't act stupid over boys because that is a stupid thing to do.

:sigh:

And so today i go bipolar in the sense that i am happy. . .and then i see her, and remember. And it's like. . . . i want to confront her. "And say what, Zelena?"I then ask myself.

And then perhaps tell her that she doesn't need to call him at all, that's my man, don't even look at him. Perhaps tell her that he won't be calling her back anyways, and he had better get off the phone with her to talk to me anyways.
Or perhaps i will shut the hell up and tell myself that i need to stop acting childish. I need to realize that i talk to other dudes on the phone, while i'mon the phone with him. But not like talkin' bout.

I love him, i trust him. I trust him anywhere with anyone as much as i trusted Denis with a man. . . You know?

I look at him, and i see the face that i want to see every day for the rest of my life. I look at him, and i know that it is going to last. I look at him, and i know that this is real. I look at him and i know that it's going to be alright.

I look at him and see beauty, and then reassurance that all that i feel, all this jealousy, this pain from other such things, that it'll be alright. And then . .. .

and then .. .

and then . . .

and then i know that will go to sleep and hear his voice, i will wake up to see his face. And i will live every day in hopes of that day that i walk down the altar with my daddy, to be put in his hands.

2004-08-24T16:26:00.000-05:00

i know that i have already posted twice in two days, which is a bit much for me, but i was looking at some poems that i had written ages ago . . .and i wanted them to be read. By the way, each poem is in a different colour, lol, to differentiate them.

pass you by everyday

you sometimes look my way

shackles on my mouth

keep me from telling you about

teh joy in my heart

even when we part.

not getting in my pants

but putting my mind in a trance.

all that i want plus some and then

id show you my world and back again.

this blindness of truth of mouth

keeps my hands from going down south

these long nights spent

be they in vain - my mind will be rent

dont mislead me

you are what i want one to be.

shapeless mystery.

Dark Savious, walks upon the sand.

The Black grain embedded in his soles.

Patterns of Warrior traits follow the ocean spray down his spine.

Paths of glistening rivers, treading skin, lost in

the Ebony of his pores.

And i, in return from my excursion on the

Turkish calm, may be allowed to stare.

Not only in amazement, but in greed of what

was once had, and given away.

The body of my Negro Man.

everything is twisted into tiny strands of pain

eating at my stomach

waiting for me to shrivelwaiting for me to bleed

waiting for a chance to slither around my jugular

in wait for my ignorance

as to strike and make right in the world.

Until then, lets b-b-b-balance the worlds

between our fingers not ashamed to kill to make good.

two wrongs dont make a right - they make a perfect.

chains are holding me down

not allowing me to shame.

and so why do i try?

why must i compete with shackles?

conform!

let's conform!

uniform is the only way to pave the way for a biding rope.

rip away my neck - my wrists are covered in blood soaked bandages.

i bleed for my daughter within me

though her live giving cord is creeping around

her jugular.

i looked into your eyes that night

they reflected the moon.

they spoke to my heart in ways i never thought you could so soon.

your lips touched mine

and my heart skipped a beat.

but what i thought you just wanted

you never did need.

instead of laying me down on your bed,

you made love to my mind.

after feeling that ecstacy,

i know you're one of a kind.

even though this just began

i feel like its been forever and a day.

and i want to make you feel like i doin any kind of way.

the sun comes up - no it's not morningits from the street.the dream has left me in a mess

and my body in full heat.

i know what i want, but not how it will be obtained.

but to be your girl, and you my boy

is something i would not be ashamed.

it has always pained me to look into those big brown eyes

to listen to your voice and wallow in your words

to wish that someone would look at me in that old school fascination

and tell me that i look fine

.to lead me across a bridge of Black love which is now hidden by the lies and deception of these days of the new.

the brambles of lust and thorns of physical pleasure leave no space for the daturas of old school love.

my soul is naiive,

my heart wise, old - my life already begun....

this search for a liken soul shouts my spirit and breaks me again

and again

over

and over

But, no - this is out a search -

or have i already that which i seek.

is what i seek within those brown eyes and long fingers -

this Black hair and hieght?

is it just hidden - in wait for a sign to release itself?

i wish that i could write like that once more, its almost as if i had a muse, and it departed from my view. . . i do wish for its return.

2004-08-24T14:13:00.000-05:00

I was staring at johnathan, today, in american history class, and i began to think about what Rose had said about him. That he was a sweet boy and some shit. She also asked if he was going to knock ol' boy out of the top spot. And i wonder, what is it about people my age that makes them go from person to person to person, and then in search of what?
It's not companionship, because there are very few that realize the true value of such a thing, and it's not for happiness, because too many relationships in a short amount of time isn't emotionally healthy. And then my thoughts turned to peers. If you are around some one, and your friend says, "Oh, they look good," and that person has a thing for you, then you will turn around and breakup with whoever you are with so that you can be "accepted" by your friends and be content in so many un-ways, if that makes sense.
I then wonder if i have ever done that. Yes, there is one, and he goes to my school, and i see him everyday. and i look upon him in digust everyday. he isn't anything to make a fuss about, another slip up in my thick book of dunders and things that shine with a dull glow, if any at all.
There are so many guys that are out nowadays just to get into someone else's pants. They have situations, now, where one has a "main bitch," and the like. Which, it's hard for me to object to, since i used to be with more than one person at a time, although at the same time, i dont condone it since i dont do that anymore, i dont believe in it anymore - its a senseless thing.
Why, then, in reference to the aforementioned thought, do we let our lives be run by peers. Why do we care if others taunt or jeer at us, why do we care if other people don't like who we're with, or who we don't like. Why do we care if someone wants to pick a fight because we are blatant about our sexuality, or even because we portray a sexual lifestyle that, i ntruth, we do not live.
And why, when those same friends let it be known that they have put in our faces none but a facade, do we continue to listen and to care?
Why do we not listen to those that we should listen to. And why is it that we continue to do things when we have made mistakes concernign them numerous times.
Lastly, and even more irrelevant, why can't i allow myself to fully open up to someone? Although i have no one that knows me better than those that i love, why is it that they have been driven away by some circumstance? Why do they stay, and make me happy, and i them, why the hell are they taken away.
That, i think, may be the core reason. I am afraid of being alone. The fear of every human being, whether they want to admitit or not. I moreso fear being alone in the sense that there is no one that really cares about me around. Friends included in that category. Friends that are there for you, that tell you the truth , because you explore all of the elements of a story. Friends that will give you pills when you know you have to take them, and refuse them because they know what you need. Friends that will love you no matter where you are, and try to make an effort to make you smile, even when you are mad at them. Friends that understand what you are going through the minute they look into your eyes. Friends that tell you that you are beautiful, and you say it to them back, because they are. Friends that are there for you, and that help you up, and don't keep you down. Friends that love you unocnditionally, and, while they know that you do **special** things, will always be there to give advice, to chastise, and to lend a helping hand.
And then being alone, and away from the one that i love. He that embodies most, if not all of the aforementioned qualities, because i seem to know how to pick 'em, and i never do tire of. And i know that i will never tire of. That i canimagine a future with, that i can make my life goals around, and that i can count on to stand by me, because he knows that i will forever and always stand by him, no matter what goes down, since that is who i am. that is who i will always be, and that is who i'm proud of.

Perhaps one day my dreams will become a reality, the past nonexistent, and life anew. Time is passing, each and every day, life goes on, every minute, and my efforts are becoming more apparent every day. I guess random thoughts give me a clear head. i will say goodbye to the day with a smile upon my lips.

2004-08-23T18:20:00.000-05:00

Well, a lot has transpired since i last wrote. I have started school, which, may i say, is something to be reckoned with.

At scotlandville magnet high school "of excellence," there is nothing but mess and destruction. the ville is known through out east baton rouge parish as the messy school in all of ebrp, and we earn that title, well, most of the people there earn the school the title. i can't wait until the new school is rebuilt. that will make me so happy.
My schedule, finalized and revised for the 3rd time is as follows. . .

1st period - Civics honours (which i need to graduate from any Louisiana school.

2nd - Chemistry regular (i failed mr. boland's honours class last year)

3rd - Algebra II (the teacher refers to me as a commie bastard, because i refuse to stand for the flag, in which i dont believe in/my boyfriend is in this class ^^)

4th - Computer Science III (the teacher knows nothing about computers/ my boyfriend is in this class as well ^^)

5th - English III Honours

6th - American History Honours (i had to transfer out of the shitty, regular class)

7th - Internet Technology (a bullshit class, the same teacher as comp science)

Anywho, before school started, me and perry and tocarra went to the movies and met Tocarra's second boyfriend, Brandon. And we went to CiCi's to eat, and me and Perry walked up, actually trying to get there, and Perry overheard Brandon tell his boys that were there, that he had almost hit. Perry told me, i told Tocarra, and she confronted Brandon.
The sad thing is that they are still friends, he admitted to what he said after such a long while. . oh well, she'll learn.
But on the me and Perry tip, we were sitting next to one another, and we never did anything, and i was cool with that, and Tocarra was like "kiss him! kiss him!" all loud and i wasnt even thinking about that.
But it was cool.
and on the ride home, me and him and rose and shai, who was riding with us, went to walmart. and she got him to let her get on his back and carry her around walmart. and whenever i looked back at him, at them two, i thought, that nigga gonna be the father of my kids. i dont know if that was a foolish thought, but at this present moment, as i bask in the light of new love, of the love that i know is going to last, that i hope is going to last, i dont think that's an inappropriate thing to think. i'm not pulling a gwen and courtney - as you can see im sane. >sigh<

ANYWAYS. . .
And so the other weekend, me and Tocarra went to a party in Baker, to meet her boyfriend, Justin, the "good" (or so i thought at that point) boyfriend that she had been with for a while, and i saw someone that i knew. And events transpired, and a shit load of embarrassing things, and then i fucked him. And when it was all over, we had to go and i was stuck with this feeling that i had cheated on Perry and this overwhelming aura of despair. When i sat down, i remembered two things

1. First and foremost, we weren't together, i wasn't tied down

2. He told me that when they had did that show in texas, that he had gotten head, and all this shit, so if he did it, then i could, too.

And then, i posted the events that transpired on www.Stupid-boy.com, and he read it, for some strange reason, and found it all out. He wasn't happy about it, and he said something that made sense, but i tried to play the dunce, so that everything could be crystal clear to me; he said that if he didnt care, then he could have hung up on me at the moment he read that, without an explanation, but he didnt.

So it all came down to he had lied about the aforementioned #2. . .and other shit, was said. . . and he decided to give me another chance. You have to know that i was overjoyous - i had another chance with he who i had feelings that i haven't felt in so long.

Tocarra was like, damn. . and then, on account of the amount that i talked to her about him, she said that i loved him. me, being me, ofcourse, denied it. Because, while me and him have known each other for the longest time, it was more like a bestfriends thing, rather than a more than friends love thing, atleast, thats what i thought it was.

and so then, a sunday night ago, i think it was the sunday before yesterday, he began to ask me what i gathered from the situation that had occurred, and i said what i thought, and then i posed the question to him, and he said something, and then he told me that he had a girlfriend, and i say who, and he says it's me.

so i begin to cry and beam at the same time, jovial and gay in every fucking way possible. And i knew that it was him that i wanted to show to my daddy, that it was him that i might want to even show Claudia (real momma). And so, then, after that transpired, i told Daddy. and then daddy said that he'd think about it.

now, a couple of nights ago, me and Perry were talking on the phone. and we all know what the weed did to my memory, so i cant completely recall the conversation. But he told me that he loved me, and he made me realize that i did love him, but i was just afraid to say that i loved someone. what i didnt tell him was that i was afraid of another denis leaving me all alone, or another deandre fucking up his life because i unintentionally broke his heart. but, i thought, while talking to him, that he isnt denis, he isnt deandre, he isnt anything like them. he will never be, thank god.

and so then, we went to the movies on saturday and it was me and Tocarra that my daddy dropped, and Perry got dropped off, and Justin was going to meet us, but that is just irrelevant, and Tocarra has her own problems.

So when we were in the movie theatre, and Tocarra was like, "hold his hand or something," and i was like, "shut up, please!" and he asked what she had said, i told him, and he offered his hand. i guess to entertain her, and also as a good time to do such a thing.

i mean, i'm not embarrassed about my body, but my hands are rough and i dont know exactly how to soften them for a long period of time, and then my breasts, like, from what someone told me one time, that the reason why they look the way they are is that they arent fully developed. and im just a 34c right now, and that means that i may get bigger (is that good?)

And then we kissed!! ooo...mushy moment. lol, i'm not getting used to it. and that wasnt our first kiss, btw, its not as cRaZy as ian's, but it was awkward for me.

First kiss: so daddy has started getting shailah to ride the bus (i dont know if i ever at all mention her, but that's annie's daughter) and daddy had went fishing one day, and he wanted me to go get her. so me and perry were online, and i told him what i was about to do, and words were traded. . .he met me there. well, it was more like he came as she came [off the bus, you dirty-minded people :-D]
so then we chilled outside for a minute, my daddy was fishing, Rose was on her route, and ms. myrtle perkins was at home with her nosy ass trifling self. . .>sharpintakeofbreath<>
it was such a simple act, it was so innocent, to say the least, and awkward for me, after all, we all know that its been a while since i've been kissed by anyone, and i was like, "i dont want this to end," and then the next thing i know is that we are apart and he's looking down at me (literally down) then the moment carried on, and i felt my body sigh. . .and the moment was over. it seemed like an eternity, an eternity that i wanted to last, but it didnt. but i know that there is much more time in the world for kisses that are equal if not better than that. but none is more special that the first.

Well, another realization came upon me, among many others that night. There were empty seats on Perry's side and there were these two **wonderfully** dressed young ladies who sat a coupla seats down from us. Tocarra said that i should switch seats with him. i had never thought of that. reguardless of the fact that i was right there, and he wouldnt dare do that shit with me there, i trusted him, and didn't care. I mean, i dont think im at the point where ill tell him to step into a harem for 5min, but i think id be ok with him going to a club on ladies' night and not trying to holla at a girl.
ofcourse, there are the conparisons. .

denis - he was a ho. i knew that he danced with other girls, and i knew that he tried to holla at other bitches eary in our relationship, and i chose not to pay it any mind. i never did trust him deep down in my heart.

deandre - i trusted him when he was a virgin. And, given that he isnt now, do i trust him? shit no.

And most importantly, in this relationship, i trust myself. there are so many instances already, where i could have been a bad girl, and i havent.. im proud of myself, but i know that the real trials haven't even showed their faces yet.

Anyways. . .

is it safe to say that i want to share something with him. i dont mean the rest of high school and perhaps college, but i mean a serious amount of time. we get along.. . we havent had what i would call a fight, we only argue about things that dont really matter. . we like the same things, we sort of like the same people.
if we are comfortable sitting in silence while on the phone, then i think that we would be comfortable living together; not obstructing one another's space, but at the same time being there. i guess its a comfortable love-type thing. i dont know.

But anyways, so today, i was standing outside with April and Shatori, and this morning, April had pinched my breast. so this after noon, she moved my booksack's strap, which was in between my breasts. and i moved it back. she tried to move it back, and then kind o grabbed my breast again. Shatori was there the whole time. . . .and then april has the nerve to say that i wa flirting with her, when she is always trying to hug me, and other such things.
and so, i have come to this conclusion from that situation - if i stay here long enough, i can not exercise my love of women (since all that are down here are too big for me), and the feeling will be dormant for so long that it will eventually become nonexistent. . .. which is a goal to work for. i dont know, it may be. i think i'm going to leave that alone for a while.

now . . .since i am going to have to touch on this some time or another. . .

deandre.

he is slingin (that means dealing drugs, mirza, susan)
and he lied to me about it. and when he finally told me, he said that it was for alittle while. whenever someone says its for a little while, its always for too long.i'm not going to look at him through a fucking glass - shit no. I'mnot going to be baking him cookies so that he can share them with his booty pals in the fuckign pen (although that is a funny thought).
and then he has the nerve to show up at church, and sit and stare at me the whole fuckign time. and then try to approach me afterwards. . .

and then when i was talking to Neff, he said that Derell is a grown man, and that he can do whatever the hell he wants. . .
that nigga isn't grown. he doesn't know how to uphold himself in the real world, he acts like a child. all the wants to dois fuck and smoke. and earn money the easy way. he probably lied to me about going to school at night. I mean, this is the nigga that called me his number one and shit, and i he lies to me. and after it takes everything in me to go back into the where everyone else was w/out crying. .. shit . . i may not want him no more, but that is still one of my good friends. . .i think, though, that it's time for me to let him go. it's time for me to tell him goodbye in my heart and goodbye to his face.

anyways, to end on a good line. . . .

i have this little . . .dream, i guess, of me and perry. nothing extravagant, but something to hold in the back of my mind if the chance arises.

me and him going through life together. going to the same college, and being together, having, if not the most perfect relationship, then close to perfect. and we grow together, and have beautiful children, and my mother and i reconcile, and she likes him, and she treats my children right, and him right, and my family loves him, and his family loves me. and we're just happy. i mean, we have the normal trials, but we work through them, we grow personally and together through them, closer together. and then we grow old together, and our legacies (sp) are forever intertwined.

i dont know if it's too early to think such a thing, but, while i know in my heart the infamout promise that denis made wont come true, there is a future for me, and if i dont make it happen, it wont happen at all.

ahhh..
im in love

Angel came down
From heaven yesterday,
Stayed with me just long enough
To rescue me....
And she told me a story yesterday;
About the sweet love
Between the moon and the deep blue sea.
Then she spread her wings high over me.
She said,’i’ll come back again to see you tomorrow....
And I said fly on, my sweet angel.
Fly on through the sky.
Fly on, my sweet angel.
Tomorrow I’m gonna be by your side....
Sure enough,
This woman came home to me.
Silver wings silhouetted against a child’s sunrise....
And my angel,
She said unto me,’today is the day for you to rise.’
Take my hand, you’re gonna be my mind,
And she took me high over yonder.....
And I said fly on, my sweet angel.
Fly on through the sky.
Fly on, my sweet angel.
Tomorrow I’m gonna be by your side....

now, we all know how i am with metaphors. and this is the most blatant and perfect one that i can find. tomorrow is a metaphor, just as a hint, for a time in the future.

i love you all,
ciao

2004-08-04T04:53:00.000-05:00

ok, whoa. . .so it was me and reggie and perry tonight, in all essence. i'm doing it again with reggie. no lie - what i did with a lot of the others. i am losing utter interest in him. he doesnt do anything to be against me, i guess that's what it is. both denis and perry were the type to tell me to shut up every once in a while in their own way, they allowed me to make my own decisions, but at the same time, they helped to sway me in that way by expressing whatever it is they think. now, i had a premonition that this blog will some how get me in trouble, but oh well . . life isn't perfect for long.

when me and perry were online, i verbally came, like, i was kind ofloud. i wish i would have had a bigger orgasm, but i didnt, and so i wasnt all that loud. but it was something, andi know that there are very few people, if not none. . .wait, no, i wouldn't do that in front of or within earshot of anyone that i havent had a serious sexual relationship with, perhaps jackson, and sabine, but no one else.
im proud of myself, though, i'm getting comfortable with someone and being content with it. im comfortable with him. perhaps he might even get on that best friend level - whoa, freakish thought...haha...

well, its a little too late at night for all this shit. . .i think im going to go to sleep and dream of who ever it is that is to sweep me from off my feet.

love you all

2004-08-03T18:24:00.000-05:00

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mvURL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html

2004-08-02T20:26:00.000-05:00

Stoner Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by
what? what?

this is something that i dont want to happen again, and will not happen again. it would be a replay of too many relationships with overbearing significant others. i would fall chronicly. i would delve into the moods in which i know i dont belong. just as i am doing at the moment.

i pray that i do not meet the point of un-nirvana. that point that i reached during my last days at springs. i pray that life turns up for me. that i stagger up that hill once more and allow the rain of triumph to fall softly around me as i stand and look around in the blissful knowledge that i have conquered my. . .. . . . .my stigma.

and you see, i have changed topics once again.
anyways, both of them are decent, for lack of a better word, in their own way. and perhaps i am hoping for too much. perhaps i am being wistful once again.

i think i think too much.

2004-08-02T04:38:00.000-05:00

so i talked to him tonight, to perry. and he thinks that i should try to be more comfortable around people and less secretive. i mean what is that? and then i dont know how. i've been hiding myself for the longest time. its just part of me. and i've been taught to hide myself, its part of me. i want to know what im sposed to be like. i want to know why i care about what people say, why i care about what mirza and susan and him and vladdy adn papi say. i know that i love them, i know i care about them. but they may not be there for me in the end. like they said in that movie, Donnie Darko, we all die alone. if we all die alone, then who cares? or who did care. obviously no one. and so why then, must i procreate and why must i marry and why must i interact with other human beings. there is no reason. there is nothing, no reason.

and yet i yearn for the touch of another. and i await the moment that i can delve into another relationship. and i await the moment that someone very much like him would click with me, would understand, and let some things about me alone, and just be with me. but i know that is impossible. and i know that there are some things that i cannot tell just anyone.

but i've been thinking about it. i think that im ready to tell him about the falls that i take. the ups and down my moods take. the fall that i think that i am on my way to. that i sit around and put on a facade of smiles and laughter, and im dying slowly inside. like the way that i feel all too often.

i wish that there were things that could to undo these phases. so that i stay steady, that i know how i feel. i dont know how i feel right now. i know that i should be either happy bcuz i like reggie and reggie likes me and im here with my daddy, or i should be frustrated because i have more feelings for perry than i thought i would have and he doesnt seem to want to return them in sight of his new career.

i wonder if i will ever be happpy again.

2004-07-29T23:03:00.000-05:00

WoOoOoT!

well, i talked to my daddy, and the low down is that as long as he meets them first, and they dont have their underwear showing when they sag their pants, its ok.

but, as of a boy update, johnathan is acting iffy and i don't know what his deal is. but his boy, reggie, who just broke up with his girlfriend, has been on the phone with me, and likes me, and yet im lost at what to do. im not the rebound type, and yet i think that i want to get him before someone else does. you know? but its ok. i love you all. . .buh bye

2004-07-25T15:32:00.000-05:00

I know i haven't bothered this page in a while, but there has been alot going on. im doing alright, i think. i havent had a depressive lapse in a while, and ive been around people that make me laugh, and im happy about that.

First off, since i have been working at the salon, its been wierd. Shalisa, Shalonda's coworker is a twofaced, dirty, filthy, aint-got-no-mind-of-her-own bitch. Since shalonda is moving out, to own her own salon, Shalisa has been actin funny. she's been talking about shalonda in front her in the most discreet ways to her clients, she's been a bitch overall, getting into mess with shalonda's clients, and just being unproffesional. . . .

so the other day, she decides that she wants to talk about the way that she is going to change the current salon around, since she will be staying in the same building. now, for a little background for you, shalonda has done all the work for the salon, painting, buying everything, supplying everything, and shalisa was paying half the rent, you think that she would say something if she didnt like the place.

she waits until now to tell her client that she doesnt like anything about the place, that the colour and all that shit is so unlike her, and she is gonna take it all down and do it over. . . . .

not to mention the fact that she never bothered to wash the towels, since there was no washer or dryer, and she never wanted to take out the trash, or sweep or mop.

now, since shalonda doesnt care anymore since she's leaving, there are gnats flying around the trash area, the shampoo bowls are nastified, and the place has stick y floors and the like.. . shalisa decided that she wanted to order a dumpster and get someone to clean the floors regularly.

and to top it off, she gets the locks changed while shalonda is there. . .and doesnt make her a key. i mean, what the fuck is that kinda shit? and then she says that she didnt even know that was gonna happen. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but anywho, so the last day i was in there, yesterday, i didnt even give her or her clientele the slightest bit of respect. . .shit, i dont care, but shalonda got mad at me. . .whateva. mr. epeval bitched at me too. . oh well. Then, nextly, the infamous Turk immed me. . .he told me that he was clean, and that he was studying for to get back into college, and that he had been thinking about the way that he had treated me in the past. he also told me that he'd call me in the future. i've been thinking about him ever since, i guess im not as over him as i thought i was. ill be alright, though, he is far away, and in all reality, the only serious way that we could ever re-pursue a relationship at all if the thought arises is when it is apparent to me that he is going somewhere in life. im tired of being surrounded by Deandres and shit. i need someone that will be able to be there in the future, not in the pen or still in high school. But its gonna be ok, im gonna give him a little while and watch him try. Lastly, i think that tonight, im going to have a talk with my daddy about dating. im 16 and 4, almost 5 months. i havent had a boyfriend for real, since ive been here, and ive been a fairly good lil girl, i would think. cept the weed... jonathan, though, has a girlfriend, and he likes me, it seems obvious, but he says that he doesnt. and then reggie. . . well, reggie is cool. i like him. i want to keep me and perry's relationship how it is, i like being his friend. And very lastly, my mother still hasnt called. angie told me that i wa disrespectful to her, and that i shoulldnt have done all that shit. i mean, bitch,please. . . whateva. anyways, i think im going to go, this is too long. . .i love you all, and i miss yu, too.

2004-07-15T03:21:00.000-05:00

ok, so this is the deal...

the adults thought about it, and they decided that since school starts on the 9th of august, that we should save the money for that..since they just had to pay for that plane ticket, and then the lawyer...

but im cool with it, we re going to atlanta on monday, to return that friday. and i might be able to go to san antonio on the 30th, but i dont know yet. anywho...

deandre came up to me today and told me that he is for real single, that him and corneisha arent ever getting back together...then he hugs up on me, and all this shit and i dont get it.

and i told vlad. . . and he feels the same way...and im happy...ever so happy. and i told him that if ever time allowed, that i may have even fell in love with him, and that was the truth, and he didnt seem wierded out by that, and i love that.

but im about to go and enjoy my returned sex drive..
fare thee well, people

2004-07-14T02:45:00.000-05:00

ok . . .i know that i said that i was feeling the urge to focus on one, and all, but i guess that my heart is too damn big for that.

vlad.

the feelings that i have for him. all of them...he has them. i mean, he isnt one to lie, that i know of, and he tells me that all the feelings that i hold in my heart for him, he also holds in return. i bet that you can imagine how big my smile is at the moment. it's like i told him, when i dont really know someone, and i think that i love them, i usually dont, but when i get to know them and all, then i get more-than-friends feelings for them, and i feel that there is a possibility that i could love them, then my heart is right. . . .

denis, me and him were cool before we started dating. . . . deandre....well, lets leave that alone for now...
and all of the friends that i love and will do anything for, i grew to love them, i didnt think that i did. so, if you're a friend that i have told that i love you, believe me, i dont even tell my own mother that i love her...

perry.

still waiting, being patient, enjoying the friendship, moreso, though. which i am proud of myself for...

deandre.

my heart flies into a panic everytime i see his face and hear his voice. i love him. i love him. and i love him forever and always. he is my first love, and hopefully not my only true love. i just wish that he would grow up.

hey a girl can dream, eh?

im leaving on thursday, i love you all.

2004-07-12T02:57:00.000-05:00

Good morning

today has been a day, i might say. i talked to mirza, literally, and was happy about. ofcourse i am! yes...

and i called my godmother today, im going to holla at her on the morrow to see if she is on my side for real.

anyways, i met someone new, his name is josh. im going to do the whole friends thing, because thats all that i feel i can do, and if this one doesnt make his interests clear, then im going to move on, because i deserve what i want.

on another note, i talked to vladdy, adn told him about what i thought about his voice and the russian adn all that..and i was about to say something else, and i didnt. to tell you the truth, i dontknow what i was going to tell him, but he isnt too happy about me not telling him, becuase he knows that i was the main one talking about saying whats on ones mind. i dont know. i think im going to stay straight friends with him, because i know that there is no way that it will be more, and when icant bear it anymore, ill just leave him be. becuase he is sweet and pure in a way, and i dont want to hurt him.

were leaving on the 15th, to return on the 27th for vegas and cali...so im going to be gone again..last time! promise!

2004-07-09T00:57:00.000-05:00

my mother came down and told me that i was going to a youth treatment centre and that i wouldnt see my father again, so i asked my aunt and uncle if i could live with them, to which both them and my mother agreed. since i wasnt allowed to use the phone on a regular basis, i was able to call my father on father's day and tell him what all had happened. certain events transpired and my father sent me a reservation. i caught a taxi when they were at work and caught the plane. while i was in miami, i was stopped by a policeman who carried the message that my mother had called 911 and was worried...may i laugh?

i went on to the new orleans airport to be picked up by my father. i am here, i am alright, the lawyer said that my mother has no case, and there are already legal documents that say that my father has sole custody of me from the state of washington, where they were living when the divorce was finalized.

i think that im happy, i know im supposed to be happy. but i feel depressed. perhaps the sweet lipped Russian is right. . .i dont know what im supposed to feel, if im supposed to feel at all. and i dont know who i am anymore. i am more itrritable, i have a shitty temper, and i dont want anyone around me really. the ones that i want around me are already occupied with their own lives that have excluded me on account of my trip, and im alone in this world.

i dont know what i want, i dont know if im supposed to want something, i have almost no one to talk to, and i have no one to comfort me. i want to cry, but i think i may have forgotten how. i dont even want to be a veterinarian anymore, and that was my life dream from as long as i can remember. my family is fucked, i am fucked. this life is fucked. there is nothing that can wake me from this dream.
i know now why people stay high or drunk or just bathed in oblivion for the majority of their lives.

2004-07-06T19:26:00.000-05:00

Good evening to all.

i wish i knew where you both are in life. there are so many things that we've missed out on since we arent together like in the past. there isnt immediate comfort from one another, or relaying the story in the midst of the moment. i dont think that we've grown apart, but more like that we need to come back to one part of the world. Birmingham, Baton rouge, Bosnia (hey, i had the b thing going) - and we arent fully connected, although we are still within each others' hearts despite the distance.
::sigh::
i guess im going to get over it and have hope for the holiday season.

upon the articles of my own life, i think that i have reached a peak in emotion. i have none, almost. for the first time in my life, i have been in complete paradise and wanted to escape, i have condemned the majority of my family, wether they realize it or not, and i am content with the decision.
i have no mother other than the woman named Rose who lives in this very house in which i reside. i have but one aunt on my mother's side and one uncle. fuck everyone else. and i truly feel this way - they dont want to understand, they dont want to love me, they dont want to make me happy - i dont need them in my atmosphere.

i also realized, looking back at most of my journal entries, that i have focused more on depressing matters and that pertaiing to the opposite sex more so than anything that matters, like me.
I also wondered to vladdy why it is that i have no sexual urge and at the same time i have not found anyone that is my type in which to fulfill me in a relationship, and the one/ones that i have found have to be the "complicated situations." he told me that i need to separate sex and relationships, like men have to on mojorial occasions. perhaps i more masculine than i would prefer to be, and this is some thing that i, myself, have to do. i think of men in terms of "damn, i would fuck him," and not, "i wonder if he has a good personality, i wonder if hes real."
im like a barbaric male. therefore, i disgust myself in this aspect. i now, though, find myself, at the same time, rather than having more than one pursuit in progress, i focus on one situation at a time, and put all my energy into it. this is questionable - is this me maturing? and is this too soon, since i still have about 5-10yrs to party and bullshit before i really should begin the search for my soul mate. and then i wish that i could find that person. . . .

anyways, i was nominated for "Whos who among american students," which isnt much to me. . . .everyone i know has been in it. my sister is going to lease a space on her own for her own beauty shop. right now she is partnering, and soon she will be the head - its been settled that i am the temp. receptionist after school/when it gets up.
its a nice place, actually, on highway 19, in zachary. . .it has a spa, an area for nails, 6 stations, two bathrooms, a washer and a dryer, and a receptionost desk. not to mention it has a sort of colour theme that screams afrocentricity.
we have a lawyer, and ive seen the legal papers that say that my daddy had custody of me, and apparently, he has never seen papers that say that my mother has cusotdy of me.
perry just had a show in beaumont, tx . . .and he said that he was well received. im happy for him, im happy that hes happy - hes doing what he loves and he loves it too - not to mention that hes getting paid for it.
i was thinking, while i was down there, that i dont really care if me adn him hook up, because i treasure him as a friend. im glad that i have someone like him near me, because there are certain things that i have never been taught, that the environment that i was put in, in my younger years, werent capable of teaching me, that he just is like, "man," and he understands that i havent had, what one down here would call a proper upbringing. he understands that i was brought up in a white environment, which is different from the world in which i now reside, i must face that fact. and i would rather have him to guide me than anyone else. i thank god for him.

and, to end the saga for good, denis is out of the country. either that or he is seriously married. i am content without him, and dont think that i have to worry about his promise coming true. im happy, i am at peace, i have no one to rely on but me, orion, god, and my friends, my true friends, mind you.

dsl, email me. :)

2004-06-02T13:22:00.000-05:00

this is the last time that im going to post before i leave.

i am happy. i mean, im smiling for no reason. i like this. i havent been this way in a while. i know that i am going to have fun. and i know that i am not going to get into too much trouble if any at all. i know that i am goign to get Black as fuck, but Black is beautiful is it not?

i refuse to be sad that mirza is leaving at this moment, for i will look forward to our next meeting. and i am going to try to muster up the courage to elave behind those in life that have no business there. ::coughdavidageealanminorleandriacough::

soooo....

life is going..
life is going...
life is going on.....

and you have to get the new kanye west cd. ..or atleast listen to his new song called jesus walks....its something...serious...

2004-06-02T02:51:00.000-05:00

Im leaving tomorrow, technically.

I went to get my first pap smear today. for you guys and females that havent been tortured yet, thats where they stick this shoe-horn-looking thing inside of you, and swab and scrape and it feels oh so uncomfortable. i am on the pill, orthotricyclene, or however you spell it. and i think that im going to be ok. im going to try to lose this weight before the pill gets it goin.

i kind of reminded/told perry that i was leaving for about a month. when i said that it might be two, he made a comment. "well, i might have a girlfriend by then." that unnerves me. its not like there is another female like myself. if he doesnt want me, and he gets on old girl, then thats on him. and this is him losing out. because me and him are friends. good friends. im cool with just that. actually, i think, i am aware of the fact that there arent many people are here that are even remotely like him. and i also know that once i lose a chance at him, then i have to go questing. which, i realized that when i though i was boyhunting, i wasnt. if i was, then i would be out there, putting myself out there. and i wasnt, for real.

i see now that i was just trying to do something from the sidelines. i know that i have the selfconfidence to approach a nigga, to ask him for his number, or something to that effect, but i am afraid, i think, to let that side of myself out.

i know that i am more strong than i let on. that i have more...will, i guess. i havea side of me that isnt as passive as i play myself to be, or as i have been showing myself as since ive been here.

people see me as a girl who is quiet, who is smart, and who is bisexual. others see me as some one who is a freak, who is throwed off, and a little wierd. and yet still others see me as one who is way off.

i think that i can now make a list of things that i am not. things that i have not. and things that i realized. here goes..and if there is something that ive missed ,tell me.

- i have regrets.
- i can be quite mean, but i am a good person.
- i am naive.
- i am a freak.
- i have willpower when it comes down to it (such as sex and giving into the needs of men)
- i know how to say no.
- i am over denis, although i still love him with all my heart.
- i am almost over deandre, and i know that there is no hope for us in the future, and i will make sure of it.
- i am a mostly dependent person.
- i need to learn how to be more independent.
- i am too trusting.
- i have a big heart.
- i have almost no shame.
- i have a fucked up family.
- i am fucked up.
- i know that i am beautiful.
- i know that i am a good person.
- i know that i surround myself with beautiful people.

thats all so far.

2004-06-01T01:35:00.000-05:00

i look up at the stars from my bed. looking up at my lover, orion, my breathing shallow as we gaze into each others' eyes. i think to myself, where is the ceiling, and why isnt he here, down on the earth, holding me close.

he is trying to teach me that i dont need to have someone by my side, holding my hand, makign sure that i do the right thing. makign sure that i dont betray his love for another, that i dont give my body to another on account of the fact that he isnt sending me a message that hell be there for me in a matter of minutes to fulfill my physical needs.

i do applaud my dear sweet orion. i commend him as much as i love him. i want to teach him, i want for him to continue to teach me. and yet i cant seem to find him. his arrow has pointed me to another that is earthbound. that will rid me of dependence and fill me with maturity.

this new guy has bashed m for homosexuality, and yet is somewhat comfortable with my own. he is understanding, open, yet cautious, romantic, yet he chooses not to get too close. he is frail, and yet strong, a child, and yet a man.

this is my downtime, and im focusing on another.
idont understand it, but the thought of him makes me confused.

and orion approves, i think. but i havent seen orion since this earthen boy has arrived into my sight.

perhaps he is orion.

2004-05-25T21:49:00.000-05:00

my summer is a sweet one - it will be by the end. the last day of school, i did the unspeakable, once again. and i think that it may perhaps affect my reputation, and then i realize that i don't really care. i do care in the sense that i want to have a boyfriend in the future, and i also know that i dont care because this is me.
this is the reason why denis and i are not talking at the moment.
i know that i do love him, i know that i would do a lot for him, not just anything at this point, but i dont think that he is accepting. he has built a picture of me, and that picture fit when i was in birmingham, but i am here - i am real - this is me, this is one of my personalities, obviously one that he can't handle. he can't take change, and he doesnt know, or care enough to see past anything.
i am ok with that. i am beautiful, i am intelligent, mature, respectful, respectable in most aspects, and i know that i have a straight path somewhere - i fucked up a little bit, but the grace of the higher powers has saved me from falling. the grace of the higher powers has kept me from disease, pregnancy, stupidity, from being too naiive when i dont need to be, and it has kept me living.
what with all the distance and the long times away, dealing with other niggas now, and dealing with deandre, i know that i am over denis for the most part. he isnt my first love. that is the key. i love him, there is that love that will be there, becuase i think that i may have loved him harder than derell, but i do know that he isnt my first love. that is the key, as i have said before.
but, you know, he is going to be legally gone from me forever, so i dont give a flying fuck. i am starting a new life and all, and, like perry says, leave the past in the past. and he is my past. the east is my past, and where the hell is he? in the east. haha

anyways, im leaving on the 3rd of june for st. croix, to see my uncle george, and hopefully to go to barbuda and shit, and see travis. my boo in the west indies. i think its going to be alright.
ive been going to shalanda's and making some money, and i think that me and her are growing in a relationship, which i enjoy.

i think that im going to be ok. i am getting over the whole knife thing, and i am trying to get over the past, but its ok.

i am going to miss the fact that mirza isnt going to be a phone call away. i will deal, i know i will.

my life will move on.

2004-05-18T17:15:00.000-05:00

the rivers flows but one way. and the single drops over water may never see the same grain of underlying sand ever again.
life is that way. you may never go back and change, but you are ever moving.

example:

drop: hi there, grain of sand
grain: please, call me grain
drop: you look a little fat today
grain:you putrid bleep bleep, etc, etc

and so there is a problem, and now you know never to tell the truth about another grain's weight.
so you roll into another bank...

drop: hey there, grain, how are ya?
grain;: chillin , chillin -how about you?
drop: passin through, just passin - you look quite ravishing
grain: thank you, and you do as well, ill remember to tell my family all around what a good young little drop you are

my point is proven.

2004-05-17T21:41:00.000-05:00

her lips look as soft as rose petals,
her skin glowing like chocolate gold. i want to touch her so badly, i want to hold her and to kiss her bosom and to make sweet love to her, but i know i cant. i want to tell her that i have feelings for her, and that im real. i want to give her a reality that is better than any dream, and i want her to want it, too. i want her to be real.
but i know that all this cannot be real. i know that she will never want me as i want her, and will never feel for me as i do her. and so ill lie in my bed at night, my fingers on my clit, rocking my hips back and forth, thinking about her skin, her bosom, her arse, her slender body in all, and her thighs. ill pretend that i fucked her like a crazy mammal - that i left her hungry for me and me only...

but i guess a girl can dream, eh?

2004-05-16T22:02:00.000-05:00

http://segurancainthesecond.blogspot.com/

haha
thats all my poetry since the .....the incident, i guess it can be called....goodnight you all

2004-05-16T20:17:00.000-05:00

i have been writing again. i like that i have. although some seem to be meaningless and "sucky," for lack of a better word. i have no idea what im s'posed to make them look like. i wish to be deep and thoughtful like the bosnian, and yet i do know that the differences and the self criticism of our own work makes it nothing but a masterpiece. i only wish that things would seem much more beautiful without the reassurance of others.

i think that im going to chronicle all of them..on another blog - so if you have the time and care to see them, they are going to be on a blog that i will post as soon as i create it haha. . talk about spur of the moment thoughts and ideas.

2004-05-14T16:53:00.000-05:00

and so i realize that perhaps my life isnt so bad. i talked to my father about the psych thing, i was as persuasive as possible, and he succumbed! yar! now, also, while vlad tells me that he thinks that i suffer from chronic depression. i say whatever, but you know....
haha
and denis is on his way to north carolina to live with his parents..which should be intermesing.

in other news..i am too much of a flirt, and i am going to change myself....

CONSTRUCTION COMMENCE

lol....pray for me!
or just think of me in goodness haha..i need some luck and help and support.

2004-05-10T15:17:00.000-05:00

i feel......alone

2004-05-10T15:16:00.000-05:00

i feel.....neglected

2004-05-07T20:40:00.000-05:00

i dont want to eat, i dont want to sleep, i dont want to breathe until i see my peace. i dont want to know, i dont want to listen to the endless brambles falling about onto the pure snow, i dont want to be aware of anything. i dont want to be aware of myself, of him, of her, of them.
i want to see, but i dont want to understand. i thought i did, but i was lying to myself. i was lied to, i was lied about, i am misunderstood and am still misunderstanding. i am being told things, and i am not listening. i amhaving thins done to me, and yet am unchanged. i am stupid, and yet i am a smart girl. what is this life?
why do i sit and ponder such things, why do i put myself around people that do nothing but torture me and that leave me for another? in relationships that never seem to work given the circumstances that they undergo, in love with people that love me, but dont know how to be with me. and i dont know how to be with myself. i dont know how to learn. i want to know, and i know what i need, and i know that this is not what i need. i know that i dont need to live here, i know that i dont belong over there, i know that i dont need to be on this earth unless i am brain dead. i feel too much, i love too much, i want too much, i am used too much, i use too much, i need too much, i want too much, i think about myself too much, i think of certain others too much, i eat too much, i sleep too much, i fail too much, i am pathetic too much, i dont know what i am doing, i never know where im going. and i hate myself for being alive.

i have no one near me that cares. i think that every one knows that they have no real friends. i know that i am not a real person - my father calls me other people's names, he never mentions me to others unlesss they ask, he never pays attn to my sisters or brother, he doesnt care about us, he doesnt care about me. and ive come to realize that i dont know how to receive love. i dont know how to be loved, and i dont know ifi know how to love for real. i push people away for no apparent reason, and i want to die. i want to die for all the pain that ive cost others.

i want for a beautful dark cherubim of death to descend from the raining heavens. for him to tell me that all that i thought was true, that i am nothing, that i am but an ant and that there is no god, that there are no supreme beings, but there are beings that toy with our lives. that i am nothing and that i fucked up their scheme, that i have done enough damage, that i can go. go to give my soul to be confined in a some area that will torture it forever in teh same way that i tortured the souls that surrounded me and looked to me for love.
i am a failure, i know this.

2004-05-01T22:20:00.000-05:00

you're high art. you're about lesbians and heroin and take place in new york. how trendy.

take the which prettie movie are you? quiz, a product of the slinkstercool community.

and i feel like such at the moment, as well

2004-04-29T21:10:00.000-05:00

last night was a new experience. i made a friend. that is some thing that i always do, but the friend that i made last night was one that i have never made before. one that is older, less beauitful, and yet more mature and experienced than i has taken me under his wing and, despite chance of discrimination for whatever reason, has become my friend. in this situation i have already made but one mistake - i have told two souls of our correspondence, although there is nothing to it - but a simple friendship.
but yet, the conversation's path last night was more than that of a simple friendship.

i tend to look at myself in the most peculiar ways. i see myself as a flirt, and then i know that i am shy. i see myself as fat, and yet i know that i have best ass in both sides of my family, as well as the best thighs. i know that i am intelligent, and yet i choose not to make intelligent decisions. to what do i owe this? or to whom? i realized that those who claim to love you, only choose to misuse you whenever they see fit. they choose to make your life as displeasurable as possible, and they choose to follow whatever it is that you might do and make it their own "doing," or some thing of the sort. and to what do we owe this? that is all that i ask...
i know that i am a good person at heart, but then again anyone can say that. i know that i have a large heart - its easy for me to love someone (as a friend, that is) and its easy for me to be in denial about the faults of some one person, and to be their friend or whatever the case may be. i do also know that i am naive on account of the fact that i am ignorant to some of the ways of men. men, meaning boys, meaning those who come in my face and want only one thing, and yet i find it so hard to differentiate those who have the better intentions. those who i know, my peers, nonetheless, are capable of such things, but i find myself handicapped in that area.
to what/whom do i owe this?

is this some thing that i am born with? is it one of the lesser characteristics imprinted upon me in my earlier days of living on this earth? or is it really true that we each have our own personalities, and that i happen to be a weak person. that i am surrounded by people who are hardened by the path of life, and also know how to manipulate people with the slightest ease.

my father, today, during bible study , said a prayer. he prayed for all teh normal bull shit, but he also said "i pray for our boys on the road." now, shalanda was present, and her husband, my brother, detrell, is a trucker as is rose's other son, pookie (real name lester). my father has never prayed for his children, and yet he prays for those who are his step children, nonetheless. what can i do about that? i am not happy about this. i refuse to be happy about the fact that my pwn father cares more about those who he hasnt taken a part in creating than those who are his biological offspring. this unnerves me.

and, i am getting on birth control. im not sure if i relayed this information in my last post. my father isnt too thrilled, but i think that itll do me a world of good, and that ill get an early start for senior year and college..haha...

fare thee well, my loves.

2004-04-28T18:48:00.000-05:00

hello people. i havent had the chance to post because my computer was a little afflicted - anyhow, here i am.

i was walking in the halls today, and i was looking in through the windows of the doors. on about 3 of the doors, i saw an upside down purple icon with a phrase that said "safe zone." i began to smile after i saw it on the 2nd door. my school was opening up to the world. those class rooms were safe zones for gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. it even said "bisexuals" on there! it was such an improvement, that i walked a little more sprightly. the day was kind of good.

i also talked to denis. this is something that i know what some people have to say. . . .butim not sure right now. he got a tatto, for real this time, and he got a "z" on there. what does that say? what is that telling me? how should i respond? im lost now, i know that i should have stopped, but not he has something that refers to me forever indented on his body. what is that? does this mean that there is some truth to others' lies, and yet not their entirety, or does that mean that there is no truth to their lies, and just a remnant of his past, and apparent future, in their minds. for there is truth to the fact that his past is filled with cheating, lies, and nights of many different women, this is i do know. but there is also truth to his soft side, and also his hostile side - as there is with any normal person. he's paiud muku bucks for em in all sorts of things, as well as bought me stuff - and the person that he is made out to be wouldnt do such a thing. so am i s'posed to believe what others say yet still? or should i stay lost, and going alogn with the flow? i think that for now, the latter will do me good.

and i also see now, that there is no such thing as patience. there is such a thing as praying for patience, and waiting for an answer, and then being in wait. and then there is praying for patience, and then acting. thats all that i see. i wish that i could scream "tell me now, i will not be happy if i have to wait any longer," but i cant do such a thing. i want to scream "i dont want to be there and i dont want to be here, i cant take that anymore," but i know i cant. there is no such thing as being happy. its only as we were born, and we saw how people reacted to certain things, that was imprinted in our minds, and then we grew up with those imprints and those behaviour characteristics, and then we applied those to our daily lives. there is no such thing as sadness, for it is along those same lines. all of those principles of emotions lie within those guidelines. so we are but shells made up of imprints. the major question that presents itself is where are the original imprints from? well, it all begins with adam and eve, or who ever you may call them, god imprinted certain behavioural characteristics in them and that had an effect on their children. god toys with people, and imprints things upon their minds and the like. he cares not about what they think or feel in all truth, but as long as they praise him and do wha the says do, then he is satisfied. he is a selfish god, but there are some perks - getting to believe that you are going to go to a place called heaven, and being a part of an elite group of people called Christians, or perhaps Jews, or perhaps Muslims. there is no such thing as real denomination. there is no such said in the bible as denomations. there is no such word in the bible as "baptists," or "catholics," there are just special people. ir ealized that...and so how ami s'posed to practice my religion with doubt?

i am lost, as usual.

i wub you all.

2004-04-17T02:31:00.000-05:00

I'm losing you
I'm losing all control
Just let me be
Let me be alone for now
I want to be alone tonight

Once again we've gone off track
And lost all hope for coming back
It's time to restart again
And try all over again

It's time to work
The work is useless now
Can't you see
Your help is lost to me
I want to be alone tonight

that is for denis.

and i dont think that life is all that enjoyable. and i think that all that is dear to me is an unrealistic facade. and i wish that i would be able to let him go. and it is so easy. and there is nothing that i can do about it. i want to call him and tell him that i cant be in communication with him anymore. that i do love him, and that i there is no future for us in sight of the way that i feel and the way that my life is going and that the one that he is taking is no where near where i want to be. that we obviously dont have the same goals, and that we dont need to be trying to make our paths cross, wether in conversations on the future, or in the future.

and now deandre. the ultimate love of my life, the nigga that i will give my heart to, and also the one that is trying to take advantage of my feelings, leaving me lost and uncomfortable. i dont understand. but the question is, do i want to understand? do i want to be away from this emotionally distressed state. and perhaps all this will leave me like my mother.

all of this. and i know that i am paving the way for niggas to leave me hurt, and for myself to be lonely when i get farther in the numbers...perhaps this is all that i need to do. to let meself be likened to my mother. perhaps this is best. perhaps i should follow the mold.
and then, i know that there is a rainbow..that there is such a thing as love, and life, and..and happiness is real. it isnt an unrealistic goal that people look at and say "i wish that i had that shit." im happy sometimes, when i talk to mirza, when i talk to vlad, when i am with people that i love, that i know love me. and yet i am not aware anymore. i dont know anymore. i want to know
i want to know so much. but i dont understand how people can be so ...so mean, so cold ...and then they sit there and comfort you, and hold you, and they are setting the poison traps onur back for whenever you move.
i wont cut again. i promise. but i dont know if i want to be on this earth an longer.
i dont know if i want to be able to see the light of day again, or if i want a chance to love again, or the chance to be held in pure love again.
znam
znam
znam
znam

haha...and perhaps i do know. perhaps i know that i am loved. i know that i am. but does it matter? does it matter when youre dead inside?

2004-04-15T21:47:00.000-05:00

when one thinks that they may have seen everything that there is to see, and then doesnt realize that they havent been outside of their backyard for more than a second, it makes a bystander ponder the reasons for them thinking such. i sit and ask myself why the hell do i want to swim in the deep waters when i dont have an air tank - i can swim down there, i have the attire, but i dont have an air tank. then we ask ourselves, what is the importance of the air tank? if we have trained ourselves hard enough, then we can deep sea dive/swim/whatever without it, because we can hold our breaths for just that long.

and then there is that word that is always in my head. the word that haunts me and causes my mood to change drastically.

shackles

but why such a word? ahh...but the answer is obvious. it is shackles that keep me from returning to the surface, that hinder my return to refreshing my lungs, that hinder me from returning to where i belong, to the state in which i belong, without any sort of disturbance to my mind or body. but these shackles, where do they come from? was i born with them, were they placed on me during the traumas of my lesser childhood?
that very question i do ask as jimi strums melodic bliss into my soul.
perhaps jimi was more enlightened than all of us. he was a free soul. he was a painless being, unhindered by nothing except the confines of a human body. and the pleasures that tempted his purity in the most extreme senses.
he ponders not upon thongs or anarchy, but upon gypsy eyes and the house of the rising sun, of what is true and is known - about sex. you cant get anymore true and pure than that. haha..well, perhaps his context isnt all that innocent...but, you know, its alright.
this is me signing out at 10:16pm

2004-04-15T03:00:00.000-05:00

there was once a little girl. she lived with her father and mother and two sisters and one brother. her brother and her sisters were abused and were tortured for life, and she wasnt full aware of it all until one day in her latter teenage years. and she wasnt sure if she was hurt by it. she couldnt feel it, but she knew how she should feel, and she tried to feel it, but she was unaware of the fact of wether or not it was real.

in reguards to He Who Will Not Be Named, he feels the same way about me as i do about him. that there is such a thing as "inbetween love" or something of the sort.
and what if the world leans on you shoulders rather than vice versa, and what if there is a future that you know was s'posed to be for you, and it doesnt come true. and you see such an oppurtunity, you want to take it, and yet there is no reason for you to pursue that goal - atleast thats what the old folks say. but then again the old folks say that innocence is golden at any age.
for such a person, i want to take him against my breast and whisper words of comfort into his ear and allow him to realize that there is such a thing as beauty.
that it is present in the heart and the purest of heart only.
i do admit that my body may not be purest in the least, it is probably not the dirtiest, though i know that my heart is quite pure. i have a large heart and i am trusting and that i dont knock people for real until i am given a reason to, and then i require hard ass proof. im not sure if that is a serious thing, for him to realize that im not trying to play him like a game, that im not trying to take him and leave him for pathetic, because he is as perfect as i think that one could possibly be. he is like an angel upon the earth, bathed in the sin of man, and tortured by such temptations, and yet his beauty shines through as it always has and will.
and there is something in him, i think, that i want - that i believe that i need to have near me.

what is this pain that i feel upon this sudden realization of feeling, and this sudden realization of the existence of this new feeling which i have never felt before. is this the realization of regret? or is this the distance? will i ever know? does my heart or my mind care to know? i dont know...i guess ill try to deal with it.

2004-04-14T01:28:00.000-05:00

im trying to understand my life. i want to know if there is something that i can do to better myself in each and every way. i am on the quest that every human being that lives throught their teen years normally goes on. i am searching for one with whom i can spend the remainder of my life. and i think that i have found him. he has pledged his gift to me, and while i have none but love to give to him - i know that is enough. i like the fact that i have him to myself. i wish that i could have something to give him.
but then again, itll be alright.

what i dont understand, is how one would hold something in him for so long, and then not release it until the chance is long gone.
i lie here contemplating what i can do to him, and yet i know that i cant. i dont want to do to him what i did to the others. i want it to be special. it was never special for me. i have never had a romantic moment. and this is my specialty, and yet i have never experienced it. perhaps my sexual life is based upon the search for the one, i guess, "fuck," that will leave me satisfied. and perhaps its the feeling of being fulfilled. for i know that when i was with the turk, he told me to stop for a while, that we'd been fucking too much. whats that? i dont like to be told no.

if there was ever such thing as a true friend that isnt a tru love, but is the next best thing, then i think that he would be it. me and him have kind of clicked ever since we knew each other. i think that me and him just have that bond. and we share so much. and i love that. i dont love him, though. i dont know if i am afraid of letting someone in, or if i dont want to let soemone in period. but i love him as i love the bosnian and the pale girl by his side...

but what in him is it that i see? ihis kinky, and yet un-nappy hair, his challenged vertical state, his cute little face, his soft brown eyes, his faint russian accent, his hard russian speech(oh dear lord, talk about sexy), his sof hands, his hairy arms, and his quiet demeanor. i love them all about him.
i love the way that he is shy, i love the way that he doesnt really know how to comfort me at times, but he tries, and i love it, i love the way that he talks when he knows that hes saying, and i love his vast knowledge. i love the way that he is just himself. but i am not sure of the fact of if i love him or not. in the sense that i think that i should.

but i dont think that he loves me at all. and perhaps i should just stop worrying about it. and love him in my own way..

this is me, signing off at 2:33am

2004-04-13T23:22:00.000-05:00

have you ever looked at water? i know that this is the most abundant thing on earth, besides assholes, but have you ever really looked at it? it is beautiful. it is simple. it represents so many important things, and yet it does not think or feel or love or see or touch.
perhaps that is why i am a pisces. i am a fish that is constantly surrounded by people that dont care about me, but i need them. but i can evolve if i so please. i can tell them to go away and go up on ground and fend for myself. if only i can figure out how.